Keys to Communication

April 30, 2013 By 5 Comments

KeysIn my last post, I talked about Communication Killers, and discussed  7 Wrong Responses that can shut the door to communication with our children.   Today I want to focus on the positives, and share some keys to better communication.  Remember, communication with our children is a HUGE part of winning and keeping their hearts, so it’s something we need to always be working on!

Ideas to help you build better communication with your children:

1.  Ask open ended questions.

Don’t ask questions that can be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

2.  Ask about what interests them.

Find out what they are excited about, and ask them about it often.

3.  Acknowledge their emotions.

Respond with “I bet that made you feel sad, hurt, happy, scared,” etc.

4.  Stop what you’re doing and look at them.

This shows that you care and are really  interested in hearing what they have to say.

5.  Ask when, where, or how, not why.

“Why?” sounds accusatory.

6.  Be aware of their spirit.

Sometimes they may seem to be having a bad attitude, but it is really hiding a hurt or difficulty they are dealing with.

7.  Let them finish what they are saying before you try to respond.

8.  Be available.

We can’t schedule a time daily or weekly for our kids to bare their hearts to us. This comes through spending time with them, and happens when they are ready to talk or need to talk. It can’t be forced.

Remember, time spent listening to your children and communicating with them, is always time WELL spent!

 

Filed Under: Character, Communicating with kids, listen to kids, Parenting, talk to kids, Winning Kids' Hearts

PASSIONATE PARENTING

February 4, 2013 By 39 Comments

passionate parentingI believe that most new parents have a passion for raising their kids from the day they are born.  Often, however, that passion begins to lessen as the busyness of life gets in the way.  Being passionate in our parenting is something that we have to plan to do ON PURPOSE.  It won’t just happen.  What more important task is there than raising our kids to know and love God?  It’s something we can get excited about, and should put our all into.

I just finished reading the book by Cary Schmidt titled “Passionate Parenting”.  I absolutely LOVED the book, and was very encouraged, convicted, and challenged by it. Don’t be misled by the subtitle: Enjoying the Journey of Parenting Teens. Parents with young children would benefit GREATLY from the thoughts shared, if they started implementing some of the things he talks about at a very early age, and then continue on into the teen years. We’ve got to keep a close connection with our kids from their early years, all the way through the teen years, and do all we can to keep their hearts.  This book is about pursing the heart of your child and helping that heart fall in love with the heart of God.  It all begins with examining your own heart as a parent. It begins with being passionate about your own relationship with Jesus Christ and His will for your life.   Then it overflows into a passionate, heart-focused, parent-teen relationship that is built on authenticity, transparency, laughter, godliness, and growth.

Just to give you a glimpse into what the book contains, here are a few of the subtitles:

*Do you like your kids?

*What do engaged parents look like?

*Turning Your Heart Toward Your Teen

*What Quality Time Together Looks Like

*Fourteen Ways to Affirm Your Kids

*Keys to Developing Parental Discernment

And just a few outstanding quotes that caught my eye, and are too good not to share;

*Passive parents focus on behavior modification rather than heart transformation.  Wise parents do not merely try to modify or manipulate outward behavior.  They are always thinking of the heart and targeting heart transformation.  They are always asking the question: “Is my child just conforming outwardly, or is his heart embracing God’s truth?”

*A discerning parent is constantly on a sacred pursuit of their child’s heart.

*If you had to quantify your parenting focus with the following words, which two would be most accurate: Managing Behavior or Mentoring Hearts?

This book is one of the most practical, helpful parenting books that I can recommend – and I’ve been reading parenting books for over 30 years now, so that says a lot! :) I think it should be in the library of every parent who wants to develop a love for God in their children.  I will be adding this to our character store, and our purity store.  (He has a whole chapter on purity, which is excellent!)  You can see more info about the book, and how to purchase it HERE.

CONTEST IS OVER! Thank you to everyone who participated!

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Filed Under: Character, Developing relationship with children, Parenting, passionlate parenting, Purity, Purpose in parenting, teen relationships, Winning Kids' Hearts

SEVEN THINGS WE NEED TO REMEMBER – part 2

December 3, 2012 By Leave a Comment

In my last post, I talked about my memory issues, and then shared point one of Seven Things We Need to Remember.  If you missed it, you can read it here.  Today I am going to talk about the next two things we need to remember:

2.  OUR POSITION

Many times, as parents, we forget what our position is – that our children have been entrusted to us by God.  They belong to Him, but He gave them into our care.  Some things that are important to keep in mind regarding this stewardship responsibility:

1.  By God's design and plan, we are the authority.

Many times we want to be their friend, or want them to like us and be happy with us, so we fail to exercise the authority that God has given us.  We should strive to keep their hearts, and have a good relationship with them, but it's important to keep the right balance, and maintain their respect for us and the authority God has given us. 

"Your educational background is not important (you can learn along with them) nor is your lack of experience (you have taught them for years!), but your ability to casue your children to obey is essential.  Every child has a human nature which is self-centered and must be restrained by his parents.  This nature will interefere with effective homeschooling through laziness, rebellion, or willfulness.  Parents will need to identify these negative character traits and then to control them by the proper use of their authority.  The teaching facet of child training is really the easiest part.  A child who is under control can be taught anything, from any curriculum, with any method."     - Richard Fugate

2.  We must bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.  (Ephesians 6:4)

The word for nurture in the Greek has the thought of curbing impulse and desire, and subordinating them to what ought to be done.  Or in other words, it means self-discipline.  Much of our position as parents involves teaching our children self-discipline, and character.  If you are homeschooling, it is important to remember that one of the keys to education is self-discipline. 

"A major key to education is self-discipline.  Discipline is important int he matter of proper behavior so that attention is held.  More importantly, the imposing of discipline, and ultimately self-discipline, upon the mind is a secret to ongoing education.  Our job is to help our children develop discipline and self-control."

3. Perseverance (to persist in or remain constant to a purpose, an idea, or a task in the face of obstacles or discouragement)

"Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverence and supplication."  Eph. 6:18

Discouragement will come in your parenting, and homeschooling.  It just goes with the territory.  Sometimes we are just tired.  At those times, it's very important to go back to your goals and purpose. 

When your perseverance is waning, claim I Peter 5:7,8  "Casting all your care upon Him for He careth for you.  Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about seeking whom he may devour."

Remember, Satan NEVER quits seeking to devour us or our children.  He is always on the lookout to destroy us and if we quit persevering, we are giving him an open door to do that.

CONTINUED……..

 

 

Filed Under: Character, fatigue, Homeschooling, obedience, parental authority, Parenting, perseverance, Purpose in parenting, stewardship of parents, Winning Kids' Hearts

Winning Your Children’s Hearts – Part 3

October 18, 2012 By Leave a Comment

WINNING YOUR CHILDREN'S HEARTS – Part 3

In Winning the Heart of Your Children Part 1, I shared WHY it's so important that we have their hearts, and the first 4 ways we can win their hearts.

In Winning the Heart of Your Children Part 2, I shared 4 more things we can do to win their hearts.

Today, I'd like to look at the negative side of it.  What are some mistakes we often make that can cause our children to turn their hearts from us?

1.  We strive to LOOK right, but fail to emphasize the heart issues that are important.

If you look at the way you discipline, often you may discover that you spend much of your time on changing their  behavior, or doing the right thing. The problem with this is that  their heart isn't touched, and God is concerned with the heart. 

From the book Parenting is Heart Work:

The greatest parenting tip we can share wtih you is this:   maintain a strong connection to your heavenly father.  He offers spiritual guidance and direction to help you work through your own heart issues so you can become efective with your children.  Ask God to show you the real issues your son or daughter is facing, then PRAY."

2.  We strive to keep our kids from the wrong, while failing to befriend them ourselves.

In order to develop a relationship with our children, we MUSt spend time with them!  It's not enough to protect them from the wrong influences, people, or activities.  We have to fill that void, by spending time with them.  We need to make that a PRIORITY!  Unfortunately, it's not something we can always do on our own time table either.  I think it's important to allow time in your schedule daily just to spend time with your kids, but I have found that often they need my attention, or a listening ear at times when I'm busy with something else.  Nothing is more important though than being there when they want to talk.  They open up on their schedule, not when you are ready to listen, and say "Hey, what's on your hear that you want to talk about?  I've got 15 minutes."  If you are available to listen, or just be there for them when they're going through a difficult time, as they share their emotions with you it will create a bond.  They then are more willing to hear you out, because they know you care.  The key is availability!  But it is also very helpful to just include them in your cooking, cleaning, errands, etc.

3.  We strive for compliance, and forget the relationship that will bring compliance.  I mentioned this recently in my post "Homeschooling:  If I Had it To Do Over", but it's so important that I can't leave it out when talking about keeping our children's hearts.  It's easy in our efforts to raise good children, and require obedience, to become harsh in our effort to be firm.  That harshness, and/or anger, is something that will quickly destroy the relationship you have with your children.  Harshness and anger damage relationships!  It's much, much better to appeal to our children on the basis of love, rather than using fear of our anger to get them to do what they should.

In the booklet Solving the Crisis in Homeschooling, it talks about this very thing, and says it SO well:

"What we didn't realize was that there is a great difference between intimidating children into subjection and winning their hearts into submission.  Intimidating children into subjection merely gains outward compliance.  Having their hearts means gaining greater opportunity to influence their values."

It's so important to also remember that anger doesn't address the issue of the heart, and confuses the learning process.  the child is focusing more on avoiding your anger, than changing their heart.  Dr. S.M. Davis counsels many Christian parents who are struggling with their children, and has made the observation that when there is rebellion in a young person, there is almost always anger in one or both of the parents.  The anger causes the parent to lose the child's heart, and over time they rebel. 

(If anger is an issue you struggle with, as many parents have told me they do, I would highly encourage you to get our CD or DVD by Dr. Davis called "Freedom From the Spirit of Anger", or our book "Good and Angry:  Exchanging Frustration for Character".  Both of these resources have excellent practical tips to help you deal with your anger, rather than let it continue, and hurt your family.)

 

 

Filed Under: Anger, broken relationships, Character, compliance, damaged relationships, depending on God, Developing relationship with children, harsh parenting, Heart issues, Homeschooling, Mothers, Parenting, Spending time with kids, Winning Kids' Hearts, wisdom from God

Winning Your Children’s Hearts – Part 2

October 17, 2012 By Leave a Comment

WINNING YOUR CHILDREN'S HEARTS – Part 2

In  Winning Your Children's Hearts – Part 1, I shared WHY it's so important to win the hearts of your children, and the first four ways to do that.  Today I am giving 4 more WAYS TO WIN YOUR CHILDREN'S HEARTS:

5. Talk to them, and listen when they talk to you.

Nothing says "I love you and care about you" more than listening and showing an interest in what is important to them. We are busy, and it's easy to hurry from cleaning to cooking to laundry, and not want to stop and really give them our attention. But we need to choose to stop what we're doing, look at them, and listen. I have found that when there is a lady at church who I feel doesn't like me, or isn't real friendly with me, the key is to find what she is interested in, and ask her about it. I did this with one lady by asking her about her grandchildren. My goodness, she opened up and talked like we were best of friends. This works with our kids too!

6. Be crazy and fun, so they want to be with you.

The crazy part just kind of happened to me somewhere after the fourth child. :) After that, I had to start working on being FUN. It's easy to get your mind focused on all the work to do, that one child you're concerned about, the bills, etc. As a result, you forget to laugh and have fun. No one wants to be around someone who is irritable and stressed. How can we expect our children to want a relationship with us when we push them away with disapproval or anger because of our mood, or our stress? They will start to avoid you, or trying to read your mood to see if it is a good time to try to talk to you, or if it would be better to stay away. It's easy to get snippy, and easily frustrated if we aren't careful. Make it a goal to try to laugh and do something fun or silly with your kids everyday. Laughing and having fun together forms a bond.

7. Don't be to proud to apologize when you need to.

If you have been snippy, or angry with them, as soon as you realize it, go back and apologize. Admit it – even though we are the parents, sometimes we are WRONG. It's easy to over-react, get frustrated easily, and jump to conclusions. Fortunately, kids are very forgiving, and willing to accept our apologies. If however, we treat them wrong repeatedly, and don't make it right, it will cause them to harbor hurt and bitterness, and that in turn will close their hearts to us.

8. Pray for wisdom to know their heart, to reach it, and win it, and keep it!

With each child you may do things a little differently, based on their personality. It would be MUCH easier if each child was the same, so once you figured it out, you'd be good to go! :) But God, in His wisdom, made each of our children different to keep us depending on Him. We need to daily ask God to guide us, and help us to do what we need to do in order to win and KEEP  the hearts of our children!

(If you feel you have lost your child or teen's heart, there is an excellent section in "Child Training Tips" on how to restore lost love and affection.  This is my FAVORITE book on child training – FULL of wisdom, and practical help!)

Filed Under: Anger, angry parents, Apologize, attentiveness, Be crazy with kids, Character, Fun parent, irritable Mom, listen to kids, Mothers, Parenting, Pray for wisdom, talk to kids, tell kids "I love you", Winning Kids' Hearts, wisdom from God

Winning Your Children’s Hearts & LINK UP

October 15, 2012 By 26 Comments

WINNING YOUR CHILDREN'S HEARTS - Part 1

There is a spiritual battle raging in our children's hearts daily, and as parents we cannot be complacent, hoping everything will turn out okay.  Winning the heart of our children is the most important thing we can do as parents. This is something that takes purposeful planning and work. Why is it so important to have our children's hearts?  Because when we have their hearts, they are open to our teaching and instruction, which gives us the opportunity to pour into them the truths that God is giving us to share with them.  When we don't have their hearts, we can't pour any of those truths in.  If we want to be able to have an influence in our children's lives, we must have their hearts. It will give us the opportunity to influence not just what they do, but who they are. 

From  the book Parenting is Heart Work:

"The Bible talks about 9 diferent functions of the heart:

1.  A wrestling place, where we fight internal battles as we try to make sense of life

2. A place of commitments and determination

3. Where we feel close to others

4. Where temptations and desires develop

5. Where we experience guilt and conviction of sin

6. Where we experience emotions

7. Where we experience passion

8. Where we choose values to hold, and convictions to live by

9. Where we connect with God.

God is interested in hearts because that's where real and lasting change takes place.  In fact, when you direct your energies toward your child's heart, amazing things will happen.  Parents often become the hands and feet God uses to mold a child's heart.  Our job is to find out where God is working and then partner with Him to do the deeper work necessary in our kids' lives."

I love that statement about parents being the hands and feet God uses to mold a child's heart.  What an awesome responsibility we have! So how do we go about winning the heart of our children? 

1.  Let them know we love them for who they are, not because of what they do.  If we don't accept them or who they are, and/or they feel they can never gain our approval, they will give up trying, and give their heart to someone who will listen and accept them.  We need to be sure we affirm them often, and not just focus on the flaws we see.  Some simple ideas of how to affirm them:

*Write them notes

*Tell them what you like about them

*Occasionally get them something little that you know they like

*Have special one on one outings (just a trip for ice cream, or a donut)  This is when my kids open up the most to me!

*Brag on them to others when they can hear you

*Praise them for character

When was the last time you told your child something you liked about them, or what they did that you thought was great?

2.  Be fair. 

I am going to share something our pastor said about this, that expresses the idea very well:

"If I am facing a situation that requires me to administer discipline, I must ask mysel if the cause of the problem is innocence, ignorance, or rebellion?  Have I taught and trained them or did I just expect them to know what I wanted?  By using common sense rather than being unreasonable, I win their hearts."

Unfortunately, I think that sometimes as parents we aren't fair, and as a result we exasperate our children.  That's not fair to them, and when they get old enough that they can sense unfairness, they will resent it.

3.  Show honor to them.

For parents who know the importance of teaching children to obey right away, it's very easy to get in drill sergeant mode with the kids.  Rather than ordering them to do things, we should ask them.  Treat them with the same honor and respect you would want to be treated with.  I have caught myself at times treating a child who was visitng our home, better than I did my own children.  I would be more polite and kind with them, and then hear myself using a different tone with my own kids.  God convicted me and reminded me that children are people too, and we should treat them with honor.  Say please and thank you to them, or "excuse me", rather than "get out of my way."

4.  Show them affection, AND tell them you love them. 

Don't assume they know you love them.  They need you to tell them that OFTEN.  Maybe your parents never said "I love you" to you, so this is uncomfortable. Your kids still need to hear it.  Also, show affection physically: lots of hugs, pats, tickles, etc.

CONTINUED TOMORROW….

(To read more about  "Parenting is Heart Work" , or to purchase it, click here.)

TUESDAY LINK-UP PARTY!!

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Filed Under: accept kids, affrim kids, be fair, Character, discipline, exasperating child, functions of the heart, Influencing children, Mothers, obedience, Parenting, praising children, show affection, showing honor, stewardship of parents, tell kids "I love you", Winning Kids' Hearts

Homeschooling – If I Had It To Do Over…..

September 23, 2012 By 36 Comments

As I started this 28th year of homeschooling, I was thinking back over the years, and the things my husband and I have learned; the changes we have made.  It's a journey I would do all over again, but there are a few things I would change if I had it to do over.  I'm going to share 3 things that I would do differently if I started all over again:

1.  I would take better care of myself.
As a young mom, I was able to get away with staying up late, getting up during the night with babies, and getting up early with the toddlers.  I was tired, as all busy moms are, but I was able to do what I needed to each day.  I didn't exercise regularly, because I didn't feel I had the time.  There were always better or more important things to do.  Eventually, it all began to catch up with me though.  I hit a spot where I started to struggle physically, and ended up with chronic fatigue, and stressed adrenals. I was burned out – physically, emotionally, and mentally.  At that point I realized that I HAD to take time for self-renewal.  I needed to adjust things so I could get the rest I needed.   This required making some changes in our activities, and I had to pretty much stop all outside activities.  I also started to take a break now and then with some friends.  It's amazing what a little time away, laughing with some like-minded moms, will do for you! Laughter is a good medicine. As I took those steps, it helped me improve mentally, and have clearer, more focused thinking, and well as more positive thoughts.  Fatigue will always lead to negative thoughts, such as:  "I'm not doing a good job – my kids would be better off in school", I'm such a bad Mom – I never have energy to play with the kids", "I can't handle this anymore", etc. Everything seems worse when you are fatigued.   If I am burned out and can't function, I will lose my ability to do what God has called me to do.  I wish I hadn't had to learn that the hard way!

2.  I would stress much less about WHEN a child "got" it with reading, or math.  I would focus on making learning fun, and waiting till they were ready.  For each child that readiness comes at different ages.  They also learn in different ways.  If I had known that when I first started teaching the kids, it would have saved me many hours of tears and frustration. (mine and the kids!)  I want my kids to enjoy learning, but  if I keep pushing them when they aren't ready and don't get it, they will dislike learning.  Also, if I use a curriculum that doesn't work with their learning style, it will be much more frustrating for both of us.   Overtime I realized that it doesn't hurt to take a break from from the phonics, or new math concept if they just aren't quite ready for it yet. It's better to put it aside for a time, do some learning games that aren't intense, and then try the subject again a few weeks later.

3.  I would focus less on making sure the rules were being obeyed, and more on building the relationship that would make them WANT to obey those rules!  Rules are necessary, but as the saying goes, "Rules without relationship breed rebellion."  It was easy to strive for compliance while forgetting the relationship that would bring that compliance. In our effort to be good parents, we would often be too harsh in our effort to be firm, and we found that resulted in damaged relationships. We learned that  it worked much better when we appealed to our children on the basis of love, rather than intimidation.  A similar error was that we tried to protect them from wrong -wrong activities, wrong influences, wrong friendships – while failing to befriend them the way we should ourselves.  In order to develop that relationship that would bring compliance, we needed to spend time with them.  We needed to be available when they wanted to talk, and we needed to show an interest in what was important to them.  We needed to accept them for who they were, and let them know we loved them.  That in turn leads to winning their hearts, which brings the desire for them to please us. We learned that it is better to work hard at keeping their hearts, than having to try to repair damage and win their heart back.  (By the way, I believe that keeping our childrens' hearts is the most important thing we can do as parents!)

There are many other things my husband and I have learned along the way, but these three stand out above the rest.  I hope they will be a help to you on your homeschooling journey! 

Filed Under: burnout, compliance, damaged relationships, fatigue, fatigued homeschool mom, frustrated mom, Homeschooling, learning styles, Mothers, negative thoughts, obedience, Parenting, rebellion, rules, Self-renewal, stressed Mom, struggles with academics, training children, Winning Kids' Hearts

I Blew It!

September 12, 2012 By 16 Comments

I hate to admit it, but recently, I totally blew it!!  My daughter, who shall go unnamed, approached me calmly to tell me something.  I responded LESS than calmly.  She informed me of a change of plans that she has decided on, not really asking my opinion, so much as just letting me know. (She is a young adult, not a child.)  As she began talking, I started fuming inside.  Before I knew it, words started flowing.  I quickly informed her that I was angry, disappointed, and upset about this decision.  She reminded me that she was being calm, and I needed to calm down.  Then she said, "I already feel like a failure, so I need you to encourage me, not make me feel like more of one."  Wow.  You'd think that would have stopped me, right? But no,  I couldn't bring myself to be encouraging of her decision.  End result – damage to the relationship.  So, did I gain anything by opening my mouth and speaking, rather than hearing her out, waiting to process it all, and THEN responding?  Nope – nothing gained, except some guilt on my part, and I'm sure some hurt on hers.

So after this episode, I started thinking and asking myself WHY does this upset me so much?  Is she making an immoral choice?   Is she doing something that goes against Biblical principles?  Is she doing something that will ruin her life? The answer to all those is NO.  Do I think she is making a wise decision?  I'm not sure, but how will she ever learn to make wise decisions if she never gets to make them on her own?  Is she a failure?  No, she is just failing to fulfill MY expectations for her -  those expectations that I need to give to God.  He is the one who knows her future, and it's His plans she needs to pursue, not mine.  I don't want her (or any of my kids) to think they can only please me IF they do what I want them to do, or only if they do things MY way.  I want them to feel like they can come to me with their thoughts, and maybe get my input, BUT know that I will let them make the final decision.  I want them to seek God, and then feel they have my blessing to follow where He is leading.

Do I understand her thinking in this process?  No, to be honest, I don't.  Her personality is so different from mine, and it makes no sense to me that she feels a certain way about situations.  Do I understand her feelings?  No, I can't really relate, because once again, it's not the way I am.  However, I can acknowledge her thoughts and emotions, and hear not just what she is saying, but what she is feeling.  She is feeling overwhelmed, frightened, inadequate.  She feels a need to change direction from the original plan, which I thought was going to be so good for her.  That definitely isn't cause for me to be angry or disappointed, as if she was deliberately going out and doing something she knew was wrong.  She needed my support and affirmation more than my opinion. 

I believe the HARDEST part of parenting for me has been making the transition between total control  when they are toddlers and little ones being trained, to a gradual letting go, and walking beside them as a counselor, as they become teens and then young adults. During that transition time, I should be teaching them how to make wise decisions.  Gradually my role should change to giving advice WHEN asked, or just listening as they throw out scattered thoughts;  encouraging as needed, but always accepting their decisions in the end, because they are now an adult;  supporting them in their new endeavors; accepting them for who they have become.  SO hard.  I see things so clearly – so black and white, when it may actually be gray.  I see the possible consequences, versus all the good they may see.  I would dare to say that I look at all the negatives before considering the possible positives!  That's not exactly what my kids need, nor is it a good way to keep them open to conversing with me, and coming for my thoughts and opinions on things.  Don't get me wrong.  I think that if they ask, I should tell them my concerns.  But I also need to have a little more confidence that they can succeed at something that might be hard, or just encourage them in something they have an interest in, when I wish they'd pursue something else. 

One of my highest goals in parenting is to keep my kids' hearts.  Keeping the lines of communication open are key to this!  My ranting didn't do much to make her want to come back to me and talk again, I'm sure.  And as soon as she left the room, I realized how I had not obeyed the verse In James that tells us to "be swift to hear, slow to speak".   I prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me, and then I went to my daughter and apologized for my hasty, unloving response.  I let her know how much I love her, and that I will support her and love her no matter what her choices are.  I also promised to try to do better at listening to her  words and hearing her heart, when she comes to me in the future. 

This is just one of the many times that I have "blown" it as a mom. (And I know it won't be the last!)   I'm SO glad that children are quick to forgive, and that I can go to my heavenly Father for His help and wisdom as a parent (and HIS forgiveness!). 

 

Filed Under: acknowleding kids' emotions, Anger, conflict with kids, consequences, damaged relationships, encouraging children, expecations, forgiveness, God's forgiveness, I blew it, Mothers, Parenting, reactions, training children, Winning Kids' Hearts, wisdom from God, young adult children

What to Do When Your Kids Are Driving You Crazy

July 9, 2012 By 2 Comments

Recently I was talking to a mom who had several children.  She commented on how the kids were driving her crazy that day, and asked if I had ever dealt with that when my kids were younger.  I laughed, and told her that I remember having quite a few days like that.  She then asked me what I did when I had "one of those days".  I shared with her the following article from my booklet Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who's the Best Mom of All?

 

 

We've all had "those" days.  I haven't figured out yet whether it's what I feed them that morning, or whether it's just me, but some days I wonder where I can go to turn in my resignation as a mother!  Well, since I don't REALLY want to resign as a mother, I decided that I had better come up with a way to handle "those" kind of days, and keep my sanity at the same time. I found that when the kids are aggravating me a lot or seem to be unusually bad, the best thing I can do is drop what I'm doing and give them some attention.  It seems that they are always their worst on the days when I am really busy trying to get a lot done.  Often all they need is a little attention, and then they are fine.  Here are some of the things that I have done to help with this:

1.  Have a snack time.  My kids get excited about having a snack of raisins, cheese and crackers, fruit, etc.  Sit and talk to them while they eat and usually they'll be ready to go and play nicely when they're done.

2.  Go outside for a walk.  The fresh air is good for them, and helps them use up some of that boundless energy.  Walking also relieves some of your stress!

3.  Read to them.  Let them choose one or two of their favorite books for you to read to them.  Then tell them that if they will play quietly while you finish (fill in the blank), you'll read them another one when you are done.

4.  Play with them.  Often they are just bored and a few minutes of playing with Mom will give them ideas of what they can do.

5.  Love them.  Sometimes I just rock the younger ones for a few minutes, and hug them and tell them "I love you."

6.  Sing with them.  They will enjoy this, and it also helps my attitude get right.

7.  Go for a ride.  All kids love to go 'bye-bye.'

8.  Do exercises.  I try to exercise everyday, and doing it with the kids makes it a lot more fun.  (Or should I say FUNNY?!)

9.  Get out some special toys that they aren't allowed to have all the time.  (like puzzles, play dough, crayons, etc.)

10.Let them help you with what you're doing.  Let them help fold clothes, or "clean" the refrigerator, etc.  It makes them feel important to be able to help, and kids love cleaning with Mom.  You may be surprised at what they are capable of doing to help you with household chores.

If all of these fail, forget about what you're doing and give them all the time they need.   Your kids are more important than anything!

Filed Under: Frustrated Moms, Knowing God, Large families, Mothers, Parenting, Putting Kids First, Winning Kids' Hearts

Are You an Angry Parent?

June 18, 2012 By 1 Comment

Is ANGER an issue in your home?  I mention the importance of not dealing with our children in anger at most of my workshops, and have had many parents come to me saying that they struggle with this.  (especially those who have a difficult child!)  Many moms have come to me in tears admitting they are really having a hard time with their anger, and they feel guilty, because no matter how many times they determine to not let it happen again, it does. 

Before I say anything else on this topic, let me clarify that I am not talking about the parent who gets mad every once in awhile, and yells at their chidren.  I think all of us would admit to having done that.  Everytime I've lost my temper with my children, as soon as I realized it, I would go back to them and ask their forgiveness.  I've never had a child respond to my apology in a negative way.  Kids are very forgiving, and mine would always throw their arms around my neck, and say "I forgive you Mommy!", and "I love you."   I'm talking about those who are angry more often than not, and those who don't go back and apologize when they've responded in anger. 

Why do I keep stressing the importance of gaining control over our anger or an angry spirit?  There are several reasons I think this is VERY important:

1.  Anger (in the parents) is one of the biggest causes of rebellion in our children.

2.  When we repeatedly treat tour kids harshly and don't make it right, it will cause them to harbor hurt and bitterness, and that will in turn cause them to close their hearts to us.

3.  When we lose their hearts, we no longer have the opportunity to influence them.

4.  Anger doesn't address the heart issue, and confuses the learning process. Instead of the child thinking about the fact that they did something wrong, they think they are in trouble for upsetting Mom or Dad. Their focus then changes from correcting what they did wrong to avoiding your anger.  "If you examine the way you discipline, you may discover that you spend a lot fo time on behavior modification–getting your chidlren to do the right thing, but the heart is not touched.  Parents who are content to focus on behavior may be teaching their kids image management:  the ability to appear good, clean, and nice.  But God is concerned with the heart."  (from the book Good and Angry)

5.  When we appeal to our children on the basis of love, rather than relying upon fear of our authority, their response will be much different.  When we "intimidate them into subjection" we will only get outward compliance.  Our goal should be to win their hearts into submission.

6.  Anger is contagious!  If one, or both, parents have an angry spirit, there's a pretty good chance that you kids have a ltitle bit of one too. 

7.  As Christian parents who are stiving hard to raise our children for God, anger can be the biggest obstacle that stands in our way.

The Bible tells us "be ye angry and sin not", so the anger itself isn't the issue.  It's how we respond to that anger.  Many of us were brought up by angry parents, and that's all we know.  But it's not the way we want to raise our children.  We need to look to God's Word for answers, and seek His help daily in prayer. 

I try not to make my blog an advertising page, but on this topic, I feel that I really need to mention two very valuable resources that will help you in the area of anger, and I mention them only because the results of anger in the home are so devastating.  I would encourage you that if you struggle with this, check out the resources below, and start applying some of the very practical tips they give to help you. 


Good and Angry

Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids!

Parents often feel angry when their children do the wrong things. 

Responding to children in anger can be more damaging than helpful– but anger doesn't have to be the enemy.  It can serve as a trigger to help you be an even better parent.  Recognizing the very real emotions parents face, the authors give you a plan to deal with the current problems in your kids that will actually build lasting character in them.  (242 page book)

CLICK HERE TO GET THIS BOOK!

Freedom From the Spirit of Anger DVD

by Dr. S.M. Davis

The most destructive force in family life today is the anger of one or both parents. But rebellion in youth seldom goes away until parents deal, not just with anger, butwith their spirit of anger.  MANY PEOPLE WITH A SPIRIT OF ANGER DO NOT EVEN REALIZE IT.  A spirit of anger is also very contagious, and often our children"catch" it from us. This is a great DVD to watch as a family!

On this DVD, Dr. Davis tells why man's anger is wrong, and also gives: 10 STEPS TO FOLLOW TO GET FREEDOM FROM THE SPIRIT OF ANGER.

CLICK HERE TO GET THIS DVD!

 

Check out our other great Character Building Resources here: http://courtshipconnection.com/character/

Filed Under: Anger, Character, Parenting, Winning Kids' Hearts

What Children Need From Their Fathers

June 17, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Our Pastor, Steve Hobbins, preached an awesome sermon tonight on what children need from their fathers.  It was SO good that I decided to share the points with you!  They really apply to mothers as well, but I think these are things that are especially important for our children to get from their dads.

1.  Our talk.  We need to talk to them, and let them talk to us.

2.  Our touch.  They need wrestling, hugs, tickles, etc.

3.  Our tenderness.  There is a time to be understanding of their feelings, and be tender.

4.  Our toughness.  Be firm about your rules, and consistent with discipline.

5.  Our teaching and training.  We can't get mad at them for doing something wrong when we've never taught them how we want it done.

6.  Our time. The three crucial times to take advantage of are dinner time, travel time, and bedtime.

What a great reminder of things we can do to keep our children's hearts, and build our relationship with them!

Filed Under: Dad's inlfuence, Parenting, Winning Kids' Hearts

Please Take Time

May 21, 2012 By 2 Comments

Years ago my children sang this song at a conference that I was
speaking at.  What a great reminder to make time for our children!

Mom and Dad, I know you hurry through each day of work and worry
But this is a reminder that I bring;
Just a little time I'm small, seems like hardly any time at all,
Soon these precious years will pass and so I sing:

Please take time to play, take the time to pray;
So quickly time will pass and I'll be grown.
Take time to hold my hand, time to love and understand,
Please take the time before the time's all gone.

When my life was all brand new, God gave the job to you,
To teach me how to love and how to live.
Teach me how to kneel in prayer, believing Christ will meet me there,
Trusting Calvary's price my sins were all forgiven.

Now while my heart is tender, you can teach me to surrender,
For I look to your example and long to please.
But the time will someday come when opportunity is gone,
And as the twigs were bent will grow the tree.

Please take time to play, take the time to pray;
So quickly time will pass and I'll be grown.
Take time to hold my hand, time to love and understand,
Please take the time before the time's all gone.

Filed Under: Bible, Character, Dad's inlfuence, Mothers, Parenting, Winning Kids' Hearts

Like Father, Like Son

May 2, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Thursday evening we went to the airport to pick up my oldest son Mike, his wife Ruth, and their little daughter Beth.  They've been in the Philippines as missionaries for 2 years, and Beth was born after they arrived there.  So this was the first time we got to meet her.  (Yes, I believe in love at first sight!  Can you see why?)

My granddaughter, Beth

My husband and son

 

As I was talking to Mike a few days ago, he mentioned to me that he had preached a sermon about why he was so much like his dad. I
looked at his notes, and thought it would be  fun to share parts of his thoughts as a follow up to my previous Mother/Daughter post. 

 

 

"Anyone who knows my father well could recognize that I am his son without ever being told. . I think it would be fair to make the statement, "If you've seen Mike, you've seen Mike's father.  If you know Mike, you know Mike's father.  If you know how Mike would respond in a certain situation, you know how Mike's father would respond in that same situation.  We are the same in many ways.

It is only natural that the question should be raised, "Why is it that I am so much like my father?"  Is it just part of the Morrissey DNA?  Is it because something magical happened when "Morrissey" was printed on my birth certificate?  Certainly there are traits that were passed down to me from my father, but I don't believe that is the reason that I am so much like him. 

I am like my father not just because he is my father, but because I spent lots of time with him, and he influenced me in every area of life.  Because I spent time with him, he influenced my thinking, and developed the way I look at life.  The closer I got to my father, the more I began to think like him.  What was important to him became important to me.  The things that were exciting to him became exciting to me.  The things that made him angry began to make me angry.  What he thought was funny became funny to me.  His desires became my desires.  His passions became my passions.  As I grew older, the closer I got to my father, the more I thought like him, and the more that I thought like him, the more I acted like him.

Hey Mike, why are you so much like your dad?  I spent time with him and….

His thoughts became my thoughts. 
His dreams became my dreams. 
The things he loved I began to love. 
The things he hated, I began to hate. 
His priorities became my priorities. 

If you've seen me, you've seen my father."

What a great and sobering reminder about the influence we have as parents!

By the way, we won't be able to have that influence on our chidren, if we haven't won their hearts! For ideas on how to win your children hearts, you can now purchase my newest workshop talk "Winning the Hearts of Your Children", as an MP3 download at our website:   http://courtshipconnection.com/audios/

 

Filed Under: Character, Dad's inlfuence, Parental example, Parenting, Winning Kids' Hearts

Parenting is Heart Work

April 14, 2012 By Leave a Comment

 

Are you ready to start doing the "heart" work of parenting and to see amazing transformation in your child's life?

In this breakthrough book, Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller reveal how you can learn to truly reach your child's heart to teach, train and build a tremendous relationship. Parenting is Heart Work will give you the practical tools and easy-to-follow steps that will revolutionize how you: 

  • Turn correction times into learning experiences
  • Equip your children to accept responsibility for their mistakes and meditate on the right things
  • Influence and adjust the values and beliefs your children hold
  • Maintain relationship with your children through love and emotional connectedness

Book: $15.00

 

Filed Under: Bible, Character, Featured, Mothers, Parenting, Praying for our kids, Winning Kids' Hearts