One day the Lord spoke to me about those thoughts, and helped me know how to handle those feelings and thoughts better.  I realized that as long as I’m growing as a Christian, He is going to be showing me areas where I am failing – areas where I need His help, and things that I need to work on.  That is a GOOD thing!  I don’t ever want to get to the place where I feel that I have arrived, or to the point that God no longer is teaching me things, and showing me areas I can still grow in.

How should we respond to those feelings of failure?

1.  Realize you are always going to have areas where you need to grow.

One of the first things that comes to light when you begin to homeschool, are your character flaws!

2.  Don’t give up.

Think of the words in Proverbs 24:16, “For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again.”  It’s okay to fall, but we need to  keep getting back up.

3.  Learn through your failures. 

Mistakes are stepping stones.

4.  Encourage yourself!

In I Samuel 30:6 it says, “but David encouraged himself in the Lord his God.”  Learn how to encourage yourself.  This is SO important, because we are no use to those we are serving (our families!), if we’re discouraged.  Discouragement will keep you from doing what you should, and you will be unable to be an encouragement to your kids and spouse.

How do you encourage yourself?

1.  Don’t carry the load alone. 

2.  Grab those resources that are encouraging to you, and read or listen to them.

3.  If fatigue is part of the problem, lighten up on things, and rest; don’t deal with those things that seem like problems when you’re tired!

4.  Get spiritual encouragement through uplifting music, like hymns.  Find encouraging Scripture.  I love Psalm 139 where I am reminded that God knows all about me, and He loves me!  Also,  be encouraged  through prayer.  “From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”  Psalm 61:2

5.  Keep a “joy file”.  Anytime someone writes you a note of encouragement, put it in that special joy file, then pull those notes out when you need encouragement.

6.  Encourage others.  This will help take your focus off yourself & your problems.  Also, more people long for a kind word, than we’ll ever know.  Let’s be the ones to encourage them!

Next time you feel like “a failure”, thank God that He is still working in your life to make you more like Him!

Before I share a few things that I have observed as damaging to relationships, let me just remind you that I am not speaking as one who has never done/said these things!  I wish I could say I wasn’t guilty of any of these things, but it’s not true.  Those that I am guilty of are what made me aware of how it hurt the child that took the brunt of it.  Others on the list are things I’ve observed in watching people and families as they interact.  You will probably read something on this list, and think of a time when you did or said that, and start feeling guilty.  That is NOT my intent!  None of us are perfect parents, and we all say and do things we wish we could take back.  The purpose of this post is to remind myself (and you) of the importance of being aware of how we respond to and treat our children.  If you want to have or keep a good relationship with your children,  these are things that you should try not to do.  If/when you do them, be sure to apologize as soon as you realize it, and restore that relationship right away!

7 WAYS TO RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILDREN

1.  Embarrass them.

You shouldn’t correct or scold your child publicly, or even in front of their siblings.  Take them aside privately and deal with it.  Public humiliation will bring anger, and often rebellion.

2.  Avoid apologizing when you’ve been harsh, unkind, or unfair, etc.

I have tried to make it a habit every evening to think back over the day, and try to remember if there was a situation where I responded wrong, that I needed to go and make right.    Your kids will love you and respect you for being willing to admit when you have responded wrong, and they will accept your apology and offer forgiveness.  Failure to do this however, will lead to bitterness, and will gradually cause a separation in your relationship.

3.  Always give advice when they share their thoughts, or something that has happened.

Often our kids just want to share things with us; however, they don’t want to get a lecture in return. This goes back to the previous posts on communication.  A HUGE part of communication is LISTENING!

4. Never show that you are pleased with them.

This is something I have to work on!  Often the kids have done something good, but I wanted a little more, or for it to be done a little differently. Rather than being thankful or encouraging, I respond with “Why didn’t you….?”  or “You should have….”   This is a great way to discourage your kids, and eventually they will quit trying to please you.

5. Be crabby and irritable.

No one wants to be around someone who always puts a damper on things.  I have caught myself mumbling and grumbling at times when I come home from shopping.  I’m tired, still need to make dinner, and then I find the kitchen wasn’t cleaned up while I was gone.  Who ever happens to be around gets to listen to me complain, and be grumpy.  Then I wonder why no one is around the next time I come home! A better response would be to do some training.  Later, when you’re not so grumpy(!), explain to the kids how happy it would make you to come home to a clean kitchen after you’ve been out buying groceries. Chances are, they were busy playing and never thought about that!  Also, don’t have expectations if you haven’t given instructions before leaving.

6. Act like it’s a big bother when they ask you for help, or need something.

Sometimes, well rather, most of the time, I’m just plain TIRED!  Little needs or requests for help can seem like such a BIG thing to me.    The thing that has helped me see the importance of responding to requests for help in a cheerful way, is thinking of how I feel when my kids don’t want to cheerfully help me.  (Hmm…wonder where they got that from!)  It kind of hurts when those who love you grumble when you ask them to help you with something.

7.  Scold harshly when something is done in innocence that annoys you, or cause you some inconvenience.

This makes me think of the child visiting our home who spilled milk at breakfast.  I calmly got a cloth and wiped it up.  The child was apologetic and embarrassed, and I reassured him that it was just an accident, and those things happen.  His response: “My mom gets really MAD when I spill my  milk at home!”  There were times when my kids spilled things, and I was tired, and irritated with the mess I had to clean up.  I may not have “yelled” at them, but at the same time I let it be known that I wasn’t happy about it.  (More of that grumbling!)   This can make a child think we view them as an inconvenience – something I NEVER want my kids to think or feel!

Let’s make it our goal to do all we can to make our children know they are loved!  Show affection often, tell them you love them, and affirm then often.  Those are great ways to keep the relationship strong!

Ideas to help you build better communication with your children:

1.  Ask open ended questions.

Don’t ask questions that can be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

2.  Ask about what interests them.

Find out what they are excited about, and ask them about it often.

3.  Acknowledge their emotions.

Respond with “I bet that made you feel sad, hurt, happy, scared,” etc.

4.  Stop what you’re doing and look at them.

This shows that you care and are really  interested in hearing what they have to say.

5.  Ask when, where, or how, not why.

“Why?” sounds accusatory.

6.  Be aware of their spirit.

Sometimes they may seem to be having a bad attitude, but it is really hiding a hurt or difficulty they are dealing with.

7.  Let them finish what they are saying before you try to respond.

8.  Be available.

We can’t schedule a time daily or weekly for our kids to bare their hearts to us. This comes through spending time with them, and happens when they are ready to talk or need to talk. It can’t be forced.

Remember, time spent listening to your children and communicating with them, is always time WELL spent!

IT TAKES A STRONG WOMAN

What are two things we do that can kill communication?

1. Interrupt often.

After a person interrupts me two or three times, I tend to just stop trying to say whatever it is I was saying.  Frequent interruptions tend to make you feel that they don’t really care what you are saying, and to them what they have to say is MUCH more important.  If we frequently interrupt our children when they are sharing something with us, they will get frustrated, and eventually quit talking to us.

2. Fail to give them our full attention, or fail to respond to what they are saying.

Wives, you can relate to this.  We tell our husband something, and he responds with a grunt.  We accuse him of not hearing us to which he replies, “I heard you.”  Then he repeats what we said.  He may have “heard” us, but what he heard didn’t really register! We want a response to what we have said that shows they really were listening.  It’s the same way with our kids.  They need us to stop what we are doing, look at them, listen, and respond in a way that shows we caught what they were saying and what they meant.  It means being aware of the emotion they are expressing through what they are sharing.  (What happened hurt me, upset me, made me happy, etc.)  Acknowledging that emotion makes them know you care not only about what they are saying, but what they are feeling.

7 RESPONSES THAT SHUT THE DOOR TO COMMUNICATION:

When our kids come to us and share something with us, it’s hard not to go into “parent mode” and respond with our criticism, or with correction.  What this does is make them unwilling to take the risk of telling us things they think we may disapprove of, or lecture them about.  It’s better for us to listen, and show an interest, then THINK before responding.  If they have shared a situation where their responses or actions were wrong, don’t correct at that time.  Make a mental note that it is something to address with them at a later time, in a casual manner,  with the goal of teaching based on what they shared with you.  The following are common responses we give that SHUT THE DOOR to communication:

1. “You shouldn’t have done/said that.” (They already did, so this comes across as critical.)

2. “WHY did you do that?” (They don’t know why, and it puts them on the defensive.)

3. “I told you so.” (Bite your tongue if you have to, but DON’T ever say those words to your kids!)

4. “What were you thinking?!” (They probably WEREN’T thinking!)

5. “I know exactly what you were thinking.” (We may THINK we know what they were thinking, but need to give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume the best about them, rather than the worst.)

6. “Yeah, right.” (Pretty much the same as calling them a liar, and very insulting.)

7. “That was stupid/dumb!” (Would you tell things to someone if you thought they were going to tell you what you did was stupid? You probably already figured that out, but wanted to talk about the situation without getting put down about what you did or said.)

Maybe you’ve never said any of the exact things listed above, but you  know you have responded in ways that quickly shut down the conversation.  None of us are perfect parents, and we all have our “bad days”, or “bad moments”.  But that doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent, or that you will never be able to have good communication with your kids again!  The key is to realize the mistake when it happens, and apologize to that child.  Let them know you love them, and want to hear whatever it is they want to share with you.  If we don’t listen to them, they will go find someone else who will!  I don’t know about you, but I want to be the one my kids come to with their news, needs, hurts, joys, etc. A verse I pray daily:  “Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.”  Psalm 141:3

(In my next post, I will share KEYS TO COMMUNICATION.)

“Mom, he hit me. I didn’t do anything to him!”

“I had the toy, and she came and took it from me. I had it first!”

Mom, make him stop!”

Does any of this sound familiar? If God has blessed you with more than one child, more than likely you have heard those words, or similar ones, over and over again.  Kids argue, and are mean to each other. Often they irritate each other, and enjoy aggravating each other. Our homes sometimes seem more like a battlefield. As a busy mom, it’s easy to get frustrated, and wonder why in the world they can’t just treat each other right, and get along with each other!

I have had people tell me that this is ordinary behavior, and perfectly normal for kids. The truth is that it’s a natural thing because of their sin nature, but it isn’t something we should allow. It’s something that we need to stay on top of, and deal with EVERY time. It is our job as parents to train and teach them to control their selfish nature. Rather than putting themselves first, we need to teach our kids the Bible principle of putting others before self. The Bible tells us that the 2nd greatest command is to love our neighbor as our self. Loving others doesn’t come naturally, but God says it’s VERY important! (Check out I John 4:20, 21)

Addressing sibling conflict isn’t easy, but the work you do now will not only make family life more peaceful, it will help your children develop adult skills that will assist them for the rest of their lives.”  -Say Goodbye to Whining

As the mom of 8 kids, I’ve dealt with my fair share of sibling squabbles over the past 30 years!  From personal experience, I just finished putting together a new ebook:  SIBLING SQUABBLES.  The book is full of ideas and practical tips to help parents deal with the fighting and quarreling in the home.  Included are ways to use Bible principles to teach peacemaking, tips for encouraging sibling friendship, and ways to help kids deal with a “prickly” sibling.  (Those of you who have a difficult child will know what I mean when I say that!)

As an introductory offer, for the rest of this week, we will be offering the book for only $1.99!  (reg. $3.99)

For more information about the book or to order,  click here:

SIBLING SQUABBLES EBOOK.

WHAT ARE YOU BLAMING YOUR KIDS FOR?

MONITOR AND CONTROL SOCIAL NETWORKING AND INTERNET USAGE.

1.  Don’t give your kids online (or cell phone) privileges until they have earned that right by proving to be trustworthy. (Don’t allow internet on phone.)

2.  Explain at the onset what they can or cannot do online.  If they break those rules, they lose the privilege till they prove again they can be trusted.

3.  Have a set amount of time that they are allowed online, and a stated purpose for doing so.  (i.e.  I want to send an email, or I want to check my Facebook) Do not allow random surfing or searching.

4.  Have the internet location in a public place, like the living room or family room.  Have the screen facing out where others can see it as they walk by.

5.   Know your child’s password to all accounts, and regularly monitor their activity by logging in. (randomly check phone log/texts as well.)

6.  Set up the Facebook Mobile application to your (parent’s) cell phone number so you will receive text message alerts from your child’s account.

7.   Have all of a teen’s e-mail automatically forwarded to your e-mail, and have them forward to you any e-mails they send.

8.  Have a filter on the internet.  (There are many to choose from – K9 is a free internet filter with parental controls)

9.  Don’t allow your teen to be online if no one is home.  Having a password on your computer is a good way to ensure no one gets online unless you are there to let them.

10. Do not allow them to clear the internet history ever.  (or their texts) Check the history regularly, but at random times, and clear it once you have checked it.

Probably the most important thing you can do is win the heart of your young person.  If you have their heart, they aren’t going to fight the boundaries.  However, it is still wise to be proactive!  Realize that the devil can and will use the power of the internet.    “Be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.”  I Peter 5:8

Today I’m going to share 7 Problems With Social Networks.  These things aren’t always true, of course, but are things to consider as potential problems that can occur when a lot of time is spent on Facebook, or other social networks.  (This would include texting, and instant messaging also.)

1.  We don’t learn to interact and connect with people face to face.  Young people especially can become very good at conversing online, but struggle with face to face communication.  The more time time they spend on social networks, the greater the risk,

2.  It can consume us, and our actions may tell our families “Don’t bother me.” For parents, technology can make it easier to ignore or neglect our kids. (our our spouse) Young people can get so caught up that they don’t want their siblings “bothering” them, or they don’t want to be interrupted as they are “talking” to “friends” online or through texts.

3.  It gives easy opportunity to get involved in sinful activities, or conversations.  Sin is at the door when we mindlessly, or out of boredom, start surfing the posts, looking for someone to “converse” with, etc.

4.  It is easy to offend others because there is no way to indicate your tone of voice, or your facial expression.

5.  You are more likely to “say” things that you would never say face to face.  Texting and online communication takes away the “blush factor”, and makes it easier to say inappropriate things. Gradually you become less timid about saying those things, and often it leads to acting on things that you never thought you would do.

6.  It creates a desire for instant results.  I know othere are times when I text or instant message someone, and get impatient if i don’t get an immediate response from them.

7.  It distracts from time alone with God.  It’s easy to neglect our time with God in our eagerness to check our Facebook notifications, or see if someone commented on our status, etc.  Other times, we rush through our Bible reading with our mind thinking about getting back to our social world.  It’s so easy to let the noise of the world drown out God’s voice,  so we no longer hear it like we once did.  I love this cartoon because it says it so well!

It’s easy to think “I won’t let that happen to me (or to my kids).”  Just remember the warning in I Corinthians 10:12, “Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.”  Let’s ask God to keep us aware of the risks, and to help us stay alert to His voice!

Choices and ideas for setting up your schedule for the year

• Thirty-six five-day weeks. (Traditional school year, though you can choose what months you want to start and end with.)

• Twelve five-day weeks, then four weeks off. (Three months of school, then a month off)

• Six five-day weeks, then two weeks off. (Six two-month blocks per school year)

• Three five-day weeks, then one week off each month. (This would be year round)

• Forty-five four-day weeks. This gives you a three-day weekend, and you are still able to take seven weeks off per year whenever you’d like them.

Even when we did the traditional school year from September – May, I found it was very beneficial to still do at least a little bit of academics in the summer months for the following reasons:

1. It’s good to keep them going on Math all through the summer, even if it’s only two or three days a week. That way when you start school back in the fall, you don’t have to spend the first few weeks reviewing all that they forgot over the summer.

2. It’s good to keep them reading and doing a little writing for the same reason. You want to keep their skills sharp.

3. It’s good to keep them used to a little bit of structure and routine. First of all, it keeps them happier if they are busy, and don’t have time to get bored. Second, it’s easier for them to get back into the school routine in the fall when they have had somewhat of a routine throughout the summer.

If you are stressing because the end of the traditional school year is drawing near, and your kids are “behind”, relax and re-adjust your schedule.  Remember, a schedule is just a tool or a plan, not your master, and you are the one in control, so there’s no need to stress.

What does your yearly “plan” look like?